We all go a little manic sometimes…

I think I’m going through a period of mania… I’m still sad, it’s just not overwhelming me today… or for the last couple of days.  I have found some things that are making me go a little batty actually.  I’ve decided to geek out – make jewelry, draw, write, do everything geeky that I love and sell it.  Oh yes, I’m going to venture into Etsy land!  I make so much of this crap for myself, why don’t I make a little money off what I love?  I have been stock piling extra amigurumi geek dolls for a while (just because friends would see mine and then mention they love Star Wars/Harry Potter/Doctor Who/Etc., and that they would love them.  I can make millions of these things.   And they sell on there!!!  For quite a bit sometimes too!!!  I relax with crochet – haven’t yet tried my hand at knitting, but I may do now! – so why not profit from it a bit?

Man, see this is how I know there’s something wrong with me.  I become overtaken to the point of obsession with an idea and when it all falls apart, oh heavens you should see how I fall.  It never lasts too long.  I wonder how long this will last…

Just a thought…

Thought for the day, should you be incapable of finding your own –

Sometimes the things we complain about the most are the ones that are the most important.  We just don’t always realize it because we’re too connected to the pain to see it. 

I had this whole thing typed, like a little back story for you about me and how I came to be the way I am and my son decided to flip the switch on the power bar and shut off my computer HARD!  Needless to say, I lost it all and I was pretty emotionally invested at the point that it was lost, so it may be hard for me to write again.  I’ll try again – maybe tomorrow, AFTER he’s gone for his nap! 

The day I thought I had it all figured out…

I woke up today.  I should be happy, grateful, thankful, but all it meant was it was another day alone…  Don’t get me wrong, I love my son, he is the only thing that keeps me constant and present in this world, but aside from him, I am alone. 

I pay a therapist tons of money and for what?  Not a whole hell of a lot because I have been lost in depression for so long that it’s hard to tell where it really started, and I seem to have no hopes of leaving it.  I want to be happy, I really do, but every time I start to feel happy, I find some way to sabotage it.  I’ve done this for years.  Sabotaged every good relationship in my life to the point where I really do have no one.  A marriage?  Yup, I wrecked that… The love of my life?  Yup, pushed him away too.  Did the same thing that I have done to every boyfriend, or even just friend, that has gotten too close to me.  It won’t last, I won’t ever be good enough for them so why try?  Distance myself, close myself in… Yup, that’s the way to do it. 

So how do I come out of this?  I’m at a loss.   I woke up one morning and thought, brilliant idea, I should document what I’m feeling.  Blog style.  If some one stumbles across me and happens to say, “Hey, she’s like me…” and I manage to touch them, help them know that they aren’t alone, then that is the best I can hope for.  I can’t be alone out here.  There has to be some one like me who has done every form of self sabotage (less drugs and alcohol because I just don’t roll like that) and is miserable and alone and faking happiness for the entire world.  I can’t be.. Can I?

You be the judge.  I’ll update as often as I can, because this really is just for me, so things may seem as rattled and scattered as my brain.  The sadder I am, and the more alone I feel, you’ll notice more and more posts about relationships and what not to do.  Hell, I’m an expert at that… It’s the things you should do that I mess up.  Hence, why I am alone… And miserable..